Innovative Data Solutions for Submarines

We offer real-time pocket watch technology, that tracks the time, and sometimes gets it right. Who can even read a clock? Our industry-leading reporting tools are all on parchment, and provide nothing of actual value. And that's just the way we like it.

License plates of the prick who cut you off? We got you. Just a name? Easy, here's their address (thanks Lisa Cullen!).

You point 'em out, and our expert team of Open Source Intelligence agents will get you the dirt you need. Pet names, air quality samples, small machinery operation licensing, the works. Whatever you need, we got you.

We partner with the US Navy Submariner's School to provide specialized training programs that enhance the skills of submarine personnel. Our workshops cover """data management""" and """operational best practices""".

Did your high-pressure tube go crunch and now you're out a CEO, 3 investors, a research scientist and an Xbox controller? We've been there. Our data recovery services boast an industry-leading 4% success rate at un-crunching hard drives. After un-crunching, we pay a small child (1099-R, not W-2) to read the data off of the platter with a magnetized needle and a magnifying glass.

They're colorful, they're informational, they're charts! What are they showing? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Guaranteed to calm middle managers at least as effectively as half a Xanax. Rejoice in your newfound freedom as the colorful meaningless charts lull your boss into a gentle slumber after a long, hard day of maniacally scribbling on business roadmaps.

Since our founding in the early hours of yesterday, we have proudly served our country by providing our troops with the dampest cacti on the market, for both professional and recreational use.